10 Rules To Obey If You Are In A Scary Movie

We all like to pretend that we would not be as stupid as the people who go and get themselves killed in scary movies, but have you ever thought of what you would actually be capable of if you woke up in the middle of the night to an intruder standing over your bed? What would you realistically do if you were babysitting one night and suddenly discovered that you were locked in an unfamiliar house with a psychopath (When a Stranger Calls)? What if you agreed to become the winter inn keeper of an isolated hotel and were suddenly faced with the realization that your husband was turning into a deranged lunatic who wanted to kill you and your child (The Shining)? Don't fret because I have 10 rules that should keep you alive in these situations:

Rule #1. Keep 'em Closed. Loose women (a.k.a. sluts) never survive. I'm just saying, from Jason to Jack the Ripper to Michael Myers, serial killers seem to really hate sluts. And they always die first.


Rule #2. Call the Police. Even if you have to make something up to get them there, do it! It's widely understood that people who legally carry multiple weapons are better suited to take on crazy people who may be trying to kill you.


Rule #3. Keep Running. If you feel the need to run, it's probably safe to say that someone is chasing you. When you stop running and give the killer time to catch up, you'll really have no one to blame but yourself for the inevitable decapitation.



Rule #4. Stay Hidden. If you choose hiding over running and the killer is after you; is it ever a good idea to take a break and peek around? No! No! No! So do yourself a favor and stay hidden inside that hamper for a while longer. Sub-Rule: Be creative when finding a place to hide. Closets are so passe.



Warning Spoiler Alert (for Hide and Seek):

Rule #5. Expect the Unexpected. I think it would be an understatement to say that Hide and Seek merely scared me. The plot of that movie haunts my dreams to this day. You cannot trust someone just because you are married to them (Rosemary's Baby anyone?). I think this actually leads to another rule, but for now it can be a sort of sub-rule: Don't have affairs. Doing so just may cause your spouse to develop split personalities and to start killing everyone around them (this is a lesson we also learned from Unfaithful).



Rule #6. Listen to your Child. I'll just come right out and say it: little kids are creepy. They can sit through hours of Dora the Explorer without losing their minds, they can scream for hours and never get tired of it, but most creepily, they always turn up in scary movies making "imaginary" friends (see: The Shining, Hide and Seek, The Others etc.) and drawing freaky pictures during play time (see: Orphan, The Ring). The one thing I would say that we have learned from all of these movies is that you will probably be killed or at least lead to near death by your child's "imaginary" friend. Also I think it's fair to say that you should be more than concerned when your eight year old starts drawing murder scenes for you.



Rule #7. Keep a Weapon Close. I don't care what gun safety experts say; few things can do the same amount of damage to a would-be killer than a bullet to the skull. If you're not comfortable keeping a gun in your bedroom, fine, any of the following are acceptable substitutes: a large knife, an ice pick, a machete, a crowbar, a piece of lead pipe. Really anything that will incapacitate someone is acceptable and should be kept within arms length of the bed.


Rule #8. Have a Plan. Do not, under any circumstances, go running into the house with the killer inside without a plan. It's highly likely that you're loved ones have already been killed and you have nothing left to lose at this point, so take a minute to gather your thoughts, and maybe a weapon, before wandering inside.


Rule #9. Make Sure They Really Died. It's a well known fact that the killer always comes back. This has been proven over and over again in Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, and most recently, Orphan. When you have the opportunity to make sure the killer is dead by, say, shooting them in the face repeatedly: DO IT!!! Otherwise, just when you think you're finally safe, they come out of nowhere and the chase begins all over again.


Rule #10. Move, Change Your Name, and Never Speak of the Past. Unless you're Laurie Strode and you enjoy having a serial killer visit you and make your life hell yearly, you probably should get as far away from your scary movie past as possible.

I would strongly recommend watching and buying each movie mentioned in this post.

You're Welcome.
Stone