Romeo + Juliet

I've never watched this movie before, despite several friends who loved it in Jr High. I distinctly remember attempting to watch it at a sleepover once, but I would have been about 13 and I found it impossible to stay awake past 11pm back in those days. I was asleep within ten minutes of popping the VHS in. So, I think it's about time I try again. I'm gonna assume this post will work best if you are also watching the movie as you read it, but since that's not likely, I hope you find a way to enjoy it anyway. And if you don't, well, that sounds like it's more your problem than mine, huh? Here are some things going through my mind as I watch:

• Why does that guy have pink hair?


• Ok, this one's a yeller.


• Is that Jamie Kennedy? Wtf?


• I'm naming my cat Benvolio for sure. Or my kid. No, I'd hate myself forever. But it wouldn't be so bad, we could call him Ben. Rock's brother's name is Ben. He seems to be fine with that. NO. NO. NO. Cat or dog only. Not the kid.


• Uh-oh, lots of guns. Shit's about to get real.


• When do Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes show up?


• Claire Danes was in another movie I watched earlier today (Evening). Weird. I like her. I wanna watch My So Called Life now. I'm gonna watch Life of Brian later.


• Bored.


• Bored.


• I don't understand anything right now.


• Yes! Leonardo.


• Oh man. Now I wanna watch Titanic. He used to be adorable!


• Why does everyone have a gun?


• Juliet's mother is a drag queen? What is she wearing? Why?


• Yes! Leo in chainmail. I like that.


• Oh, turns out Mercutio is the drag queen.


• This movie is so bipolar.


• I don't know if it's safe for them to be driving after taking whatever those pills were.


• He's fucked up. This reminds me of the time I thought my heart stopped beating so I tried to make it start again by holding my breath. Then I realized I was just tripping out on my percocet and needed sleep.


• Ooooooohhhhh love at first sight! Through a fish tank. That was cute.


• Paul Rudd! Why have I not seen this before? He looks so cute as an astronaut.


• Claire Danes looks exactly the same now as she did then. She has aged so well.


• He's a charmer. First kiss ten minutes after meeting? Sinful.


• Uh-oh. They each just found out the other is from the rival family. How will this possibly end!? Oh yeah, faked death/suicide/suicide. Am I starting to like this movie? I think yes.


• I think she would hear him whispering there RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Ridiculous.


• Now they're in the pool. If Swimfan taught us anything, it's that this can only end one way.


• I'm not positive, but I think they just got engaged. What? Ah, to be young and in love.


• Ahhhhhhh shit. I have a feeling this "poison flower" might come back to bite somebody in the ass.


• "Roseline? My ghostly father, no." I'm gonna figure out a way to insert that into my everyday vocab immediately.


• The church choir is singing When Doves Cry right now. WHAT is happening? I like it.


• Should they be playing with their guns with such frivolity? Seems to go against standard gun safety practices.


• Ro-may-o! My friend Hallie loved saying it that way back in the day.


• Oh My Gaga! The guy from Swimfan is Romeo's best man right now! What a coincidence!What ever happened to that guy? Bring It On and Swimfan were the highlights of his career? Well, considering those are two of my all time faves, I'm gonna consider that a win for him.


• "Consort?" Mercutio did not take kindly to that comment.


• Those are some tight pants. I'm alright with that.


• I'm so hungry right now. I wish this were on instant play. I'm getting bored again. Want to pause.


• Mercutio is dying. Romeo is so sad! I think I would be crying if I weren't so focused on what I'm gonna make for dinner when this is over.


• The scene is very dark and ominous right now. Romeo is PISSED.


• I have a feeling this is going to lead to some other people dying.......


• Poor, foolish Juliet. Just sitting there on her bed; delirious in her post marriage stupor. Blissfully unaware that her husband is a vengeful idiot, about to ruin everything!


• Shooting Tybalt five times may have been a bit excessive, Romeo.


• Oh man, the police chief is just NOT having it. "BANISHED!"


• Do their parents still not know they are married? What was the plan there? I feel like they didn't think this through enough, considering they got MARRIED the DAY AFTER THEY MET!


• Well, she got over the fact that he killed her "kinsman" pretty quickly. I like her.


• Uh-oh. There her dad goes, promising her hand to some other guy. This is no good.


• Does Romeo really feel comfortable boning in her room with all those dolls by the bed? Creepy.


• Juliet's dad is kind of a douche.


• Ok, not kind of, IS.


• The priest is coming up with the worst plan of all time right now! Juliet is so dumb. Everyone should be able to see the obvious flaws here. (Side note: if someone gives you a vile of dark blue liquid, I think it's safe to say you should not, under any circumstances, drink it.)


• Did they not attempt to find her pulse? I think she would still have one. Right? Maybe her heart stopped for a while. Maybe she should try holding her breath. Starts it right back up.


• Romeo just found out Juliet is "dead." Maybe I could take him seriously if he wasn't wearing that ridiculous shirt.


• This misunderstanding is all the priest's fault. I hope he lives in agony for the rest of his life! (Yes, I know these are fictional characters)


• No! Don't buy poison! You make so many rash decisions Romeo!


• You would think Romeo would be a better shot, what with all the gun slinging going on in this movie.


• I sort of hate Romeo.


• I want my funeral to be after dark. I hope there are that many candles at my funeral. I like that she's kind of on a comfortable looking pedestal instead of in a casket. (Rock, I want you to plan my funeral exactly like Juliet's fake funeral in this movie. Classy. Not like what will be your Thunder From Down Under filled funeral.)


• Oh NO! Yell out to him you stupid girl! Hurry! Before he drinks the poison!


• Great. Now you both have to die. For reals this time. You have no one to blame but yourself. And the stupid stupid priest.
  
• This ending is eerily similar to the ending of The Notebook when they die cuddling in bed. Except this one was less with the sweet and more with the tragic and disturbing. And instead of bed, you have a coffin. You say tomato..........

Well, that was a good time. I'm glad I've finally watched this damn movie. That is all.

Fist Pump!

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